Bobbi's story
Moving on is difficult and letting go will always be a life lesson but there’s only one thing worse than blindness, having sight but NO vision. That’s what anorexia did, I had my eyes wide open, but I was stumbling blind.
Anorexia, came into my life as it entangled itself in my deepest fears, offering a ‘solution’ to everything I felt, a way to gain back control in my seemingly out of control life. If I couldn’t control what was going on around at least I could control what I put inside me
The few moments of clarity I experienced, too often consumed by the chaos inside my head and the elusive idea of control.
Asking for help was difficult, the ever-moving standards set inside my head, meant that I felt unworthy of help, and that I wasn’t sick enough. I was deathly afraid of the ‘almosts’, and so often felt that it was safer to destroy any opportunity had, rather than take that chance and have something to lose, having to face the idea I was never good enough and a failure anyway.
That step was one of the hardest, but simultaneously one of the best. I went to the GP who then referred me on to the Maudsley, through a Community Mental Health Team and although I still had that overarching fear that I wasn’t sick enough, the short time between assessment and treatment meant that I had less time to overthink.
Early intervention and the support I received from the most kind and compassionate people in both Daycare and outpatient treatment not only saved my life, but gave me it back.
I always worried that when I let go, I would feel incomplete, like a puzzle with a piece missing, but FREED has taught me that letting go, is the best thing I can ever do- If only I keep holding onto it.
Recovery has brought me so much, going from being too unwell to travel to being able to embark on an adventure interrailing around Europe for 18 days, something which had huge goal throughout my treatment, chasing waterfalls, stealthily eating pringles in the Vatican Museums and watching the sunset over the Danube in Budapest. Also being able to paint, for pure enjoyment, and have my art on sale in a shop in Edinburgh.
But perhaps some of the most important things FREED and recovery has helped me get back is the small things. Like the energy to play hide and seek with my nephew the ability to go on spontaneous coffee catch-up dates with old friends, and ultimately the tools to live alongside fear instead of in it, learning to work with it.
For now, I can truly say this:
Yes, my thighs may be bigger but so is my life and if that’s not a beautiful thing I don’t know what is.
